Ijaw Dictionary Online

How Automobiles Work


ON THE DEMOCRATIC SIDE, THERE
WERE BIG CAMPAIGN FIREWORKS IN IOWA TODAY THANKS TO FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT, AND AGING BRUCE BANNER STRUGGLING TO HULK OUT,
JOE BIDEN. BIDEN IS ON HIS “NO MALARKEY”
BUS TOUR — THAT’S WHAT IT’S CALLED, THE “NO MALARKEY”
TOUR — AND THIS AFTERNOON HE SAID NO TO THIS QUESTIONER’S
MALARKEY.>>STEPHEN: MAN, BIDEN IS
FIESTY. HE IS ABOUT TO FULL CORN POP ON
THAT GUY. (AS BIDEN)
“SAY THAT ABOUT MY SON AGAIN AND YOU’RE GETTING A FACE FULL OF
POOL CHAIN.” IN ADDITION TO GOING AFTER
BIDEN’S SON, THE GUY ACCUSED BIDEN OF BEING SEDENTARY, AND
THAT DID NOT GO OVER WELL WITH JOE.>>Stephen: YEAH! YEAH! YOU WANT TO GO, BRO? ( APPLAUSE )
WELL SAID, MR. VICE PRESIDENT. THIS EXCHANGE REMINDS ME OF THE
LINCOLN-DOUGLAS DEBATE, AND ABE’S FAMOUS WORDS, “DO YOU EVEN
LIFT, BRO? THESE GUNS SPLIT RAILS.” ( LAUGHTER )
SO I’M TOP BUCK ON THIS LIT. SO IT GOT UGLY AND IT DIDN’T GET
PRETTIER. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>>STEPHEN: SIR, I KNOW YOU’RE UPSET, YOU LOVE YOUR SON, BUT… MEET ME OVER HERE. YOU CAN’T CALL AN IOWA VOTER
FAT. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY DEEP-FRY BUTTER. ( LAUGHTER )
THEIR FAUCETS HAVE HOT- AND COLD-RUNNING HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN
SYRUP. ( LAUGHTER )
THEIR STATE BIRD IS A FUNNEL CAKE. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THE EXCHANGE — ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, FUNNEL CAKE.>>Jon: I LIKE FUNNEL CAKE.>>Stephen: THE EXCHANGE ENDED
WITH A BOLD DECLARATION.>>Stephen: COME ON! “YOU’RE TOO OLD TO VOTE FOR ME. I’M TOO OLD TO VOTE FOR ME. THE NAMES ARE TOO SMALL TO READ
AND THE DARN VOTING MACHINE KEEPS GIVING ME CANS OF SODA. BUTTIGIEG 2020! I’M WITH FAT.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT THERE’S ONE CANDIDATE WHO’S EXPLODING ON SOCIAL MEDIA
BABY YODA, WHO IS DRIVING ALMOST TWICE AS MANY AVERAGE SOCIAL
MEDIA INTERACTIONS AS ANY 2020 DEMOCRAT. (YODA-LIKE)
“MMM, A SAD SIGN OF OUR MISPLACED PRIORITIES, THIS IS.” IS THAT ANYWHERE IN THE
BALLPARK? ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY. THIS IS BAD NEWS FOR ALL THE
CANDIDATES, BUT PARTICULARLY THOSE WHO RECENTLY JUMPED INTO
THE RACE, BECAUSE BABY YODA’S INTRODUCTION COINCIDED WITH
MIKE BLOOMBERG ANNOUNCING HIS BID. SORRY, MIKE. I GUESS VOTERS WERE INTERESTED
IN A DIFFERENT TINY, WRINKLED MONEY-MAKER. ( LAUGHTER )
FUN FACT: MIKE BLOOMBERG IS ALSO OPERATED BY FRANK OZ. ( LAUGHTER )
IF YOU LISTEN CLOSELY, YOU HEAR FOZZIE BEAR, AND MISS PIGGY! BUT I GUESS NOW WE KNOW WHY
BLOOMBERG HAS BEEN TRAVELING THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL LIKE THIS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) YOU SEE, RICH GUYS —
( APPLAUSE ) BABY YODA. RICH GUYS LIKE MICHAEL BLOOMBERG
MIGHT BE CUT OFF FROM THEIR TREATS SOON, BECAUSE AFTER
FRANCE PASSED A NEW DIGITAL TAX ON COMPANIES LIKE FACEBOOK AND
GOOGLE, TRUMP THREATENED 100% TARIFFS ON FRENCH CHEESE AND
CHAMPAGNE. THIS IS TRUE. DON’T WORRY, AMERICANS. YOU CAN EASILY REPLACE THIS
STUFF. NOTHING SAYS ROMANCE LIKE A
SLAB OF VELVEETA AND AMERICA’S CHAMPAGNE: MOUNTAIN DEW CODE
RED. ( LAUGHTER )

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