Ijaw Dictionary Online

How Automobiles Work

DEL: Morning, Coogan
Auto employees. As you can see me and Jerry just
arrived back from Vegas, where we gambled, partied,
drank, and whored ourselves out for 72 hours straight. [APPLAUSE] JERRY COOGAN: It hurts when my
dick touches my underwear. That’s for real. I was 100 grand down, and as you
all know, I don’t have 100 great to be down, right? And Del here tells me– Del here tells me, I should
quit and go home. EVERYONE: No, come on. DEL: No, no, no no, no. JERRY COOGAN: Long
story short, I didn’t quit, all right. Here’s what I did instead. I bet every fucking thing
I own on black. DEL: Ironically JERRY COOGAN: And we won. [CHEERING] VIP: Yes, mother fucker! JERRY COOGAN: I’m up 300
grand, 300 grand. So I spent 200 on good
times for Del and I. DEL: Tell ’em JERRY COOGAN: And then I saved
$100,000 so that we could make that commercial we always
wanted to make. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Now, here’s what I want
from you guys. Here’s what I want. I want your best ideas. You got until the end
of the day to pitch us your best ideas. Don’t bring me any bullshit,
you got it? DEL: That means you hold your
lips as tight as possible, plug your fucking ears up, and
do not allow that stupid fucking idea to leave
your brain. EVERYONE: Randy! DEL: Don’t fuck up now. JERRY COOGAN: That was
all at you Randy. DEL: We’re hungover. [THEME MUSIC] TONY: Picture me inside
a hot tub, right. And there’s chicks everywhere,
I mean everywhere. I mean we get some real fucking
low rent hookers, right– inside the tub, walking
around the tub, hanging off the edge, right. And then there’s me, and I start
fucking banging them. Boom, boom, boom boom. Everyone fucking, jizz flying
all over the place. It will be the first fucking
porn commercial. You’ll be a legend, Jerry. JERRY COOGAN: I’m not
going to lie. I like it. DEL: I like that shit too. JERRY COOGAN: I like it a lot. DEL: I like that
shit a lot too. TONY: Yeah, I think you
could be great. JERRY COOGAN: Thanks Tony. RANDY: So we show a very
wholesome family driving along, and all of a sudden– JERRY COOGAN: Stop. I’m already bored. DEL: I’m fucking bored too. JERRY COOGAN: Go, Randy. DEL: Just go JERRY COOGAN: We’ll let
you know, all right? DEL: Just go, go, go. Randy, wait a minute. I’m sorry. Before you go, go
fuck yourself! BUDDY: Hey, you a salesman? RANDY: Oh, yes sir. Are you interested
in this baby? BUDDY: Yes. In fact, I think it’s
safe to get the paperwork ready right now. RANDY: Good gravy, sir! You’ve no idea how much you’ve
just picked up my day. BUDDY: Call me Buddy. RANDY: Buddy, Randy. VIP: I pull up to Coogan
Auto, and I got a real piece of shit car. And I got no money,
no girl, no job. I’m like a piece of shit. OK? And you come out and you’re
like, ahaha you’re not going to get a girl with that
piece of shit car. But then, you have like
a magic ring, or a bracelet something. And you shoot a laser at the
car, and all of the sudden, it’s like a fucking Corvette
or Ferrari, something sexy. BUDDY: Before we pull the
trigger on this thing, you think it’d be OK if I took
it out for a test drive? RANDY: Oh yes indeedy, sir. Got the keys– BUDDY: Yea, give me the keys. RANDY: –right here. BUDDY: Thank you. Oh, you’ve got to
come with me? RANDY: That’s Coogan
policy sir, sorry. BUDDY: You sure there’s no way
you wouldn’t let me just take it out for just like,
10 minutes? RANDY: Of course I
trust you sir. I’d feel weird if my
boss found out. VIP: There is a real hot bitch
in the front seat, yeah? OK? And I’m like, oh man I can’t
afford this shit, what the fuck you do to me? And you say, the fuck you
can motherfucker. At Coogan Auto, that’s
how we do. So I ride off in the sunset with
my sweet new ride and a hottie in the front seat. BUDDY: Let me tell you
what I can do. Why don’t you go get the
paperwork ready. I’m going to take this out for
just the quickest sliver of a drive around the block, and
your boss is going to be sucking your cock with joy
by the end of the day. RANDY: OK. But just around the block now. BUDDY: Just me around
the block? RANDY: Be safe. BUDDY: Here we go. RANDY: This is great. BUDDY: Back in a second. RANDY: OK. Be safe Buddy. BUDDY: Bye. RANDY: Bye. BUDDY: Bye, [INAUDIBLE]. RANDY: Bye. Yes, sellin’ cars. VIP: And I do a full frontal,
graphic sex scene. No soft core bullshit, real
chuck, chuck, chuck, chuck. And then all the employee
of the Coogan Auto– we come out, and we look at the
camera, and we say, Coogan Auto, get that ass. JERRY COOGAN: Alright. Nope, no. DEL: I like the bitch that
is sexy, and the magic part got me. JERRY COOGAN: All right. Very good, VIP. We’ll let you know. VIP: Thank you. All right. JERRY COOGAN: Del? Del? BECKY BECKER: Gentlemen,
what is Coogan Auto? What do people think of when
they hear the word Coogan? Well I’ll tell you what I want
them to think, and that is honesty and value. I think there are very easy
solutions for this commercial. BUDDY: Oooh. RANDY: Oh praise Jesus,
you’re back. BUDDY: Of course I’m
back, Randy. We’re friends. We’re vibin’. RANDY: Thanks Buddy, I really
appreciate that. Where’s the Mustang? BECKY BECKER: If you look at
this presentation that I put together, all we have to
do is take a look at– BUDDY: So I took a cab
back here because– I think you’re about to
smile my friend– I think I’m going to buy a
second car from you today. RANDY: Really? I haven’t sold two cars the
entire time I’ve worked here. BECKY BECKER: You look at
our competitors’ sales– JERRY COOGAN: Becky, Becky,
Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, why do you work here, again? BECKY BECKER: Because you
promised me health insurance, but actually I still haven’t
gotten it yet. JERRY COOGAN: It’s just that,
you know, I think you may be too smart for this place. DEL: Too fucking smart
to be here. BECKY BECKER: Thank
you, I think. BUDDY: Get in there. Get your ass on the
paperwork train. I’ll take it out for a test
drive, and you’re going to have another sale today. RANDY: I uh, do you think we
could finish the paperwork on the Mustang before we take
this much more expensive vehicle out for a test drive. BUDDY: Now I know you’re not
saying you don’t trust a man who’s buying two cars
from you Randy. RANDY: No, no, no,
of course not. It’s just, my boss is kind weird
about stuff like that. BUDDY: This boss sounds like
a real motherfucker. But I mean, fine. If he doesn’t want you to sell
two cars in one day, I’ll just buy the one. RANDY: No, no, no, no, no. It’s fine, it’s totally fine. I’ll just go get you the keys. BECKY BECKER: So what did
you think of my idea? DEL: It’s a fine mix of– you put a raw egg in there,
and some shoe polish. [INAUDIBLE] Bring the hangover down
a little bit. BECKY BECKER: Come on,
it’s a great idea. It covers everything a good
commercial should– warranty, location, prices, selection,
and staff. DEL: It didn’t make me horny
to buy a car, at all. Not one smidgen. Did you want to buy a car? JERRY COOGAN: I wasn’t horny. BECKY BECKER: Horny
to buy a car? Do you guys hear the
words as they’re coming out of your mouths? You are what is wrong with this
country, with this world. JERRY COOGAN: OK, well thanks
for coming in Becks. Good to see you. Randy, what the hell
are you doing? Holy shit! RANDY: And here are the keys
to car number three. BUDDY: Gimme, gimme. JERRY COOGAN: No, no, no. Hey, hey, no, no, no, no Gimme
that, piece of shit. Get up here. RANDY: Boss, what
are you doing? This is a customer. JERRY COOGAN: What do you
mean what am I doing? This guy is a professional
car thief. He drives this car off
the lot, you’ll never see it again. RANDY: No, no, no, you
must be mistaken. He’s already been back twice. He wants to buy three
cars from us. JERRY COOGAN: He’s
not a customer. He’s a piece of shit! TONY: Who the fuck is he, Jer? JERRY COOGAN: He’s my brother. Isn’t that right Buddy? BUDDY: Yeah, that’s
right Jerry. You get to sit up on your high
horse and look at me like I’m a piece of shit while you
get to stay the king. He’s got everything, this guy–
girls, money, success, power, big dick. He was always dad’s favorite. It must be great to be
living the dream. You know I had a dream once. RANDY: Really? JERRY COOGAN: Oh fuck,
here we go. BUDDY: I wanted to
be an actor– RANDY: So brave. BUDDY: Yeah, thank you. A great actor like Burt Reynolds
or Jon Voight. But some dreams come out
stillborn, and the dreamer just ends up a piece of shit
just like you said, Jerry. Just like you said. JERRY COOGAN: Hold
on a second. Just hold that thought. You! Don’t let him to drive any
more cars off the lot. RANDY: Absolutely, sir. JERRY COOGAN: And I
want my cars back. All right. Listen up Coogan Auto. We’ve come to a decision– Del. DEL: Now we’ve heard some good
ideas, and we’ve heard some shitty ideas. We think we have an
amazing idea. Action! Hey, at Coogan, you bring your
ass down here walking, you’ll leave here driving. TONY: You tired of chicks
treating you like a piece of shit because you drive
a shitty hoopty? Well, come on down and
get a new car. I’m single ladies. JERRY COOGAN: Hey,
I’m Jerry Coogan. I own this place. Our cars get respect because
we give respect. VIP: Hey dick face, your
piece of shit almost hit my piece of shit. RANDY: I guess we’re both
pieces of shit. VIP: Bro, we need the
Coogan Auto wizard. RANDY: A-la-car-zam! RANDY: There is a god. VIP: Get down to Coogan Auto,
and get that ass. RANDY: Hi. BECKY BECKER: I’m Becky, and
this is Coogan Auto where value is king and family
is president. We’re located just off
the northbound exit– [THEME MUSIC] DEL: Look at this fucking
guy right here, right? Mmmm! Fucking thumbs up. Fucking love you. [INAUDIBLE].

70 thoughts on “Coogan Auto Ep. 1 of 6: The Company Commercial

  1. This is good stuff. A warning about the language before the episode would have been nice, but other than that keep up the good work!

  2. that's legit, we can do that. you watching at work? and thanks for coming over here from TeamCoco, hope you like all the stuff we've got

  3. I watched it this morning before work, but I sent it to some amigos who might not get a chance to watch it until they're on lunch or slacking it at work. I subbed and am looking forward to seeing the rest of your stuff 🙂

  4. Not to sound rude bro and not to sound like I disagree with you but as soon as you see the first two actors of the set on the show when it's presented you can't possibly fathom them in some sort of show that isn't offensive…this is who they are… keep it up loud, way to rape it.

  5. Okay i subbed. In hope. N that black guy from til death is funny. I dont know his name. Im not racist. Im from england.

  6. I did not think that Coogan was that common of a name.
    My family name now means something!!!
    I'm so proud (':

  7. good grief. how about stating the obvious a bit more? this makes me laugh during down time at work when I have nothing but serious real-life shit to worry about. but, thanks for the buzz kill

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