Ijaw Dictionary Online

How Automobiles Work

JERRY COOGAN: Fuck. Fuck. DEL: Yeah, yeah. Fuck is right. You squeezed Benny’s wife’s
tits last night right in front of him. And next to me, he’s one
of your best salesmen. You fucked up last night. JERRY COOGAN: Was he pissed? DEL: Was he pissed? Of course he was pissed. You squeezed his
wife’s titties. All that other stuff he got
going on with them kids’ medical bills and the bank
repo-ing his house. JERRY COOGAN: That goddamn
tequila, man. It makes me do the
craziest shit. DEL: How you gonna handle
this Benny thing? JERRY COOGAN: Fire him. DEL: Fuck right. (THEME SONG) Hey! Yeah! Coogan Auto kicks ass! TONY: What’s all this
bullshit about? RANDY: Motivational speaker. Derek Guthrie’s coming. TONY: Who? VIP: Derek Guthrie, man. He used to be a pro bowler
back in the day. He’s fucking legit. TONY: I never heard of him. Sounds like a fucking [BLEEP]. BECKY BECKER: Actually,
he was pretty amazing. He graduated Princeton at 18. Did a lot of charity work. TONY: What do you mean,
was pretty amazing? DEL: As in was amazing. Now he’s a drunk. JERRY COOGAN: Ho, hey gang! You all ready for the special
surprise speaker? RANDY: Well, if he was a
surprise, how would we know who he is, Jerry? DEL: Randy, go fuck yourself. RANDY: Now? [TIRES SQUEALING] JERRY COOGAN: Oh, shit. That’s our guy. DEREK GUTHRIE: Piece of shit! JERRY COOGAN: Come on! Whoo! Holy shit, Derek Guthrie. It is such an honor
to meet you. DEL: Fucking kidding
me right now? DEREK GUTHRIE: Good
news is, I’m here. I’m here to motivate
you lazy people. RANDY: What just happened? DEREK GUTHRIE: Why,
are you a cop? RANDY: No. DEREK GUTHRIE: Then shut
the fuck up, nerd. JERRY COOGAN: Get off
his jock, Randy. RANDY: Yeah. JERRY COOGAN: Tell you what, why
don’t you run upstairs to my office, and get Derek
a new shirt. DEREK GUTHRIE: Yeah, yeah. And get me a beer, too. JERRY COOGAN: Hey,
I like that! Make it two beers, Randy. RANDY: Copy that. DEL: I’ll take a beer
too, Randy. RANDY: OK. Yes. DEREK GUTHRIE: Good. Let’s all fucking drink. JERRY COOGAN: Man. You look great. DEL: Like a piece
of fucking shit. JERRY COOGAN: Del,
please, Del. DEREK GUTHRIE: Let’s
get into this, man. Let me do what I do. So I told the guy, I’m not going
to suck your dick, man. I will not suck your
fucking dick. Then I sucked his dick. Put his dick in my mouth, and
he shot down my throat. When a man has a gun to your
head and a look of murder in his eyes, you’ll do
a lot to survive. Looking back, when I think
about it, which is daily, sometimes I wish
he’d killed me. JERRY COOGAN: Wow. Wow. That was one of the
most amazing stories I’ve ever heard. DEREK GUTHRIE: Absolutely. JERRY COOGAN: Wow, Derek. Thank you so much for
sharing that. All right. Anybody have a question
for Mr. Guthrie? BECKY BECKER: Are you a suicidal
alcoholic, or just a run of the mill, regular,
every day alcoholic? DEREK GUTHRIE: I
think so, yeah. TONY: Have you suffered
a head injury? DEREK GUTHRIE: Now, or
when I was born? DEL: I think you held a gun to
your own head, and forced yourself to suck
your own dick. That’s what I think happened. VIP: OK. Let’s say that you are waiting
all night in line for some concert tickets. Because you know getting the
tickets means you get laid. OK? But 10 minutes before you
get the tickets, you got to take a huge dump. What do you do? DEREK GUTHRIE: I stand there,
and I just shit my pants. I don’t tell anybody. I just stand there with
shit in my underwear. And when people start screaming
and yelling and gagging and saying, who shit
their fucking pants? It smells like shit! I just sit there. Because I do what
I have to do. I get the tickets. And I get laid. VIP: See? Derek fucking Guthrie gets it. DEREK GUTHRIE: That’s right. RANDY: What was it like being
a professional bowler? DEREK GUTHRIE: What’s
your name again? RANDY: Randy. DEREK GUTHRIE: Randy? Why don’t you go
fuck yourself. JERRY COOGAN: Seriously, what
the fuck was that, Randy? DEL: Here’s my question. Are there any words of wisdom
you can give our sales staff here that’d make any fucking
sense at all? DEREK GUTHRIE: How about this. If you’re ever in Wilmington,
North Carolina, make sure the chick you’re with doesn’t
have a dick. Lot a lady boys there. And I’ll tell you this,
sweetheart. If you’ve got a big dick under
that dress, I wouldn’t be mad if you put a gun to my head
and made me suck it. That’s the truth, honey. JERRY COOGAN: I hear that. I hear that, Derek. BECKY BECKER: I wouldn’t let
you near my big dick. DEREK GUTHRIE: All right. I’m out of here. I think I kind of did my job. I did what I have to do. It’s time for Derek Guthrie
to hit the road. DEL: Jerry, how much you
paying this guy? JERRY COOGAN: Take it
easy a second, Del. DEREK GUTHRIE: I don’t like
this fucking guy. JERRY COOGAN: Hey, Derek. Hey, listen. DEREK GUTHRIE: Talk to me. JERRY COOGAN: Sometimes, these
dipshits, they need a road map to see the value in something. So if you could maybe
throw them a bone? DEREK GUTHRIE: Say no
more, I got it. JERRY COOGAN: Nice. DEREK GUTHRIE: All right. So you little bitches need me
to hold your dicks while you learn how to sell? Is that what you little
pussies need? JERRY COOGAN: Yes, it is. DEREK GUTHRIE: Good. Then here’s what we’ll do. My man over there is going
to try to sell a car. And I’m going to tell him every fucking mistake he makes. Yeah. That’s right. DEL: You just put sugar
in your own gas tank. You gonna fuck your car up. My job is to make you happy. You get on home to that
lady, and what’s going to happen to her? CUSTOMER: She’s going to
get it fast and hard. DEL: Fast and hard, that’s
right, Jimbo. CUSTOMER: Fast and hard. VIP: Boom. DEL: What you think
about that? DEREK GUTHRIE: That was a
fucking embarrassment. DEL: What? I just sold the most expensive
car in the lot. DEREK GUTHRIE: What
about the extras? DEL: That car’s loaded
with everything. GPS, alarm system, rain
system, wipers, everything’s loaded. DEREK GUTHRIE: What about
the second set of keys? DEL: It comes with
the fucking car! DEREK GUTHRIE: Not if you’re
a good salesman. JERRY COOGAN: Yep. DEREK GUTHRIE: That’s $200. $200 easy that Jerry doesn’t
have to know about. JERRY COOGAN: What’s that? TONY: All right, well, what
should he have done? DEREK GUTHRIE: It’s a pretty
good question, greaseball. As soon as he signs
that contract, you kick him in the nuts. JERRY COOGAN: Bingo! DEL: Why would I kick a
customer in the nuts? Why? DEREK GUTHRIE: So that he
never forgets this day. Every time he buys a car,
he thinks of you. Every time he gets kicked in
the nuts, he thinks about buying a car. JERRY COOGAN: And that’s
what I’m talking about. That makes good sense. Derek, I can’t thank you enough
for your words of wisdom and all the inspiration
that you’ve given us all today. So uh, I went out and got you
a little gift, on behalf of Coogan Auto. DEL: Jerry, don’t you dare
regift that shit. Don’t you do it, Jerry. TONY: I gotta agree with
Del here, Jerry. DEL: He’s a jackass! TONY: This guy’s a massive
douchebag. And that’s coming from
a douchebag. RANDY: And it wouldn’t hurt
him to get right with God. JERRY COOGAN: Shut up, Randy. Fuck. VIP: If you want to be put out
of your misery, I got a cousin who’s trying to get into an
Armenian gang and needs to kill somebody. JERRY COOGAN: All right, all
right, everybody calm down. Now, just stop. Derek Guthrie ain’t what
he used to be. But this guy has given us
something more important than advice today. He’s shown each and every one of
us what can happen when you stop giving a shit. It’s terrifying to think that
we could turn out to be a useless piece of
shit like this. DEREK GUTHRIE: Absolutely. JERRY COOGAN: And in that
sense, he’s the greatest motivational speaker
I’ve ever heard. Huh? Yes! BECKY BECKER: He is garbage. Total garbage. [SIRENS] DEREK GUTHRIE: Oh, fuck. Guys, guys, guys! This is a misunderstanding. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! JERRY COOGAN: All right,
everybody back to work. Big day today. BENNY: Hey, fuck you, Coogan! JERRY COOGAN: Hey,
fuck you, Benny. BENNY: And fuck you,
too, Randy. JERRY COOGAN: He’s not wrong. RANDY: Why? [THEME SONG] Hey! Yeah! Coogan Auto kicks ass! DEL: And you put that gun up
to your own fucking skull. And you said, suck
your own dick. DEREK GUTHRIE: How, how’d
I get that flexible? DEL: At gun point, it
doesn’t matter. When the gun is– DEREK GUTHRIE: I promise
you, motherfucker. DEL: You said yourself when you
got a gun to your head, shit happens. So your goddamn reflection
told you to suck it. -That’s a good cut.

21 thoughts on “Coogan Auto Ep. 2 of 6 feat. Jake Johnson (“New Girl”)

  1. Tell Watsky to do another season of his show now that he's finished with his album! We'd love to have him back on LOUD!

  2. damn why can i only use the " like button" once. i freakin love this series. rob riggle you are the man!!!!!!!!!!!! you have a fan forever bro.

  3. the blond haired guy at 1:30…. anybody know if that is that the guy off dr horrible's sing-a-long blog? he looks just like the disabled-sounding guy in the song called "so they say"?

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